Meaningful Relationships and the Power of Words
Two years ago, I went to a Bat Mitzvah and saw my friend, a School Psychologist, who said to me: “Michal - look around the room and guess which bar/bat mitzvah age child is my favorite?” I scanned the room but did not immediately grasp what she was getting at. She then subtlety pointed to the child who was sitting alone, his shirt half-untucked with food stains all over it, and of course the huge "sensory kippah" covering his entire head. He did not appear comfortable to be at the celebration. It was an eye opening moment for me. Of course, my psychologist friend loved the child that did not outwardly fit in and conform to the unwritten standards of junior high social rules which included at that time slicked back gelled hair, the "cool" shirt, and a kippah half its size. She then went over to speak with him and help him socialize even though she was "technically" not on the job. Her connecting to him and speaking with him was so impactful. She had already formed a trusting relationship with this child at school and it was clear that he was happy to see her, and he welcomed her guidance.
Over the weekend, I was sitting in my kitchen listening to one of my children and her friend discuss their recent math test. My daughter's friend was telling me how nervous she was for the test and she really did not feel confident with the material. The friend continued to say that her teacher noticed she was visibly upset before taking the test. The teacher asked her what would she normally do at home to relax when she feels nervous. The friend said she does handstands. The teacher then encouraged the friend to go in the hallway, do as many handstands as she needed, and then return back to the classroom when she felt more relaxed, regulated, and calm. The two girls were chatting as if this was the most natural teacher- student interaction, but I was blown away. I have seen many creative teacher-initiated outlets for kids in schools. From zen zones, punching bags, amazing behavior plans, trampolines in classes, pushing walls, movement activities, rocking chairs in classes, stand up desks, water experiences, shaving cream, sand tables, running up and down stairs, brushing students and other awesome outlets for kids to self-regulate. But this was truly unique. The connection and relationship that this teacher had formed with the student and the understanding that this child needed something different was in my opinion, exceptional. The two girls looked at me and told me she is one of the best teachers they ever had and I certainly can see why. She has formed meaningful connections with each of her students, speaks kindly, and the children trust her. I am proud to write that she is one of two amazing teachers that my child has in fifth grade this year and both teachers have had a magical impact on my child. By connecting to her and establishing a relationship with her, they have brought out her strengths in different ways. It is amazing to watch your child thrive and gain her self-confidence back.
Last year, one of my children left the school building on a Friday afternoon looking more miserable than usual. She was beginning her finals and was feeling overwhelmed. The Principal was standing outside of the school, noticed she looked upset, and pulled her aside to speak with her. He offered her real comfort by simply acknowledging that these are in fact a hard two weeks but that she will make it through them day by day. He believes in her and she knows it. The first thing she said when she came home was how important that conversation was for her. She felt validated and understood. She felt safe. The principal and other key administrators, teachers, and even the office staff have taken the time over the years to form connections and relationships with many children in the school and it is deeply appreciated. The kids know that whatever happens they can go to school and someone they have connected to will listen to them with kindness and compassion and, most importantly, without judgement.
As educators, I believe as we go into the summer, it is a good time to reevaluate and reflect. Why are we in education? Of course, most educators will have some very noble responses which would include ideas like teaching curriculum, integrating new curriculum, steam, watching their students grow both academically and emotionally, helping children become independent and grow up to be good people.
I would like to add that another essential part of a great educator is someone who takes the time to listen to students and form real connections and relationships with each and every one of them. Someone who believes that every child has something special to offer. If anyone wants to visualize what that looks like, come to the Ramaz Lower School and observe Andrew Leibowitz. He is that educator who has impacted so many children.
However, sometimes we fall into traps and underestimate the power of words when speaking with children. One of my favorite mentors, Ruthie Kalton, taught me very early on in my career that educators can have a life-changing impact on children. She taught me that every child has a strength and every child should be spoken to with respect. If you believe in children and you root for their success, children are more likely to succeed. This requires time and patience to develop. I would argue that in this media and technology-driven world, teaching children to build real relationships is essential for children's social-emotional growth.
While this may seem obvious, I assure you it is not. If educators understood and believed in the power of words, they would understand that kids internalize every negative interaction. In the psychology world the experts say you need about 7 positive interactions to counter one negative interaction. While kind words can be expressed freely and pleasantly, harsh words stick and cannot be taken back. My esteemed colleague, Nani Mintz, always demonstrates that you can easily squeeze toothpaste out of the bottle but you can never put the toothpaste back in. The same rules apply to words. You cannot take back those hurtful words. So for the teacher that cruelly told my child that she was disappointed in her because she did not do well on her final exam and for the teacher that publically embarrassed her in front of her class last month- I have to ask the teacher what was she trying to accomplish? These words will stick with her as she thinks back to her elementary school experience. You can see where I'm going, right? Had a connection been made and the teacher wanted to express concern, that would have been fine and actually quite meaningful. (Just so you know- we all actually laughed when she told us this story). My brilliant son told her: “who cares? Eighth grade does not matter anyways!”, and in a sense he is right. It really doesn’t matter that she didn’t do so well on the exam, except that words can hurt. The teacher lost the opportunity to focus on process not product, to speak to a child kindly, and lastly to form a meaningful relationship.
Summer gives educators a time to clear our brains and reflect back on the school year. I encourage us to look beyond curriculum, test grades and college acceptances. Let's have conversations and really think -what worked with our students? What would we have done different? Did we make a difference for a child this year? Did we see a strength in each and every child? Did we connect and form meaningful relationships with our students this year? And most important what can we do better next year to form meaningful connections with our students?
Why am I obsessing about this? Because anyone who reads my posts knows that children have it harder than we ever did. I see it even more now with having two high school juniors and college applicants. ACT's, AP's and the academic rigor is harder than ever. Social media, texting, Whats App, peer pressure, multi-tasking, and distracted parents are making it harder for adults and children to form real meaningful connections and relationships with each other. Children are learning that popularity and self-esteem is measured by how many likes on Instagram they get. These rating scale gets internalized and often lead to lower self-esteem (there actually is research on this). The absolute stupidity of the snap chat story is mind boggling. I mean honestly, who really cares that you went to Starbucks exclusively with your two Starbuck BFF's and got a unicorn Frappuccino (although I do think the Starbucks campaign was brilliant). As educators, we cannot control what happens outside our school day. Whether we like it or not, this is the world we are living in and it is time to stop and reflect on how we as educators can impact our students. We are so quick to judge bad parenting but often we do not take into account that we have students for 8 hours a day for almost 10 months and we can make our own positive difference in our students lives.
As always, I end my writings with the same theme. (For my cynics, feel free to roll your eyes here!). All children (and adults) want to feel a connection and form meaningful relationships. They want to feel heard, cared for and emotionally safe. As educators, we can make a difference. We can form connections, speak kindly to students and help children feel good about themselves. Let's spend our summer reflecting on this as we move on to the 2017-2018 school year.
This blog is dedicated to my first real mentor, fellow educator, esteemed colleague and friend, Ruthie Kalton. Ruthie is retiring from her position as the Early Childhood Special Education teacher at the Ramaz Lower School in June 2017. She has worked at Ramaz for over 21 years. I have worked with Ruthie for over 17 years in different capacities. Aside from being empathetic, bright, skilled, insightful and funny, Ruthie is the most reflective teacher I have ever worked with. She is always craving to learn more and share best practices in education. I am looking forward to reading her latest book recommendation "The Spirited Child" (currently on my nightstand). Ruthie is one of my true role models in her educational career, her impactful relationships with her students and most importantly her integrity as a person. I will miss working with Ruthie but will try to continue and carry out her passion for educating the whole child and find the strength of each and every child.
Over the weekend, I was sitting in my kitchen listening to one of my children and her friend discuss their recent math test. My daughter's friend was telling me how nervous she was for the test and she really did not feel confident with the material. The friend continued to say that her teacher noticed she was visibly upset before taking the test. The teacher asked her what would she normally do at home to relax when she feels nervous. The friend said she does handstands. The teacher then encouraged the friend to go in the hallway, do as many handstands as she needed, and then return back to the classroom when she felt more relaxed, regulated, and calm. The two girls were chatting as if this was the most natural teacher- student interaction, but I was blown away. I have seen many creative teacher-initiated outlets for kids in schools. From zen zones, punching bags, amazing behavior plans, trampolines in classes, pushing walls, movement activities, rocking chairs in classes, stand up desks, water experiences, shaving cream, sand tables, running up and down stairs, brushing students and other awesome outlets for kids to self-regulate. But this was truly unique. The connection and relationship that this teacher had formed with the student and the understanding that this child needed something different was in my opinion, exceptional. The two girls looked at me and told me she is one of the best teachers they ever had and I certainly can see why. She has formed meaningful connections with each of her students, speaks kindly, and the children trust her. I am proud to write that she is one of two amazing teachers that my child has in fifth grade this year and both teachers have had a magical impact on my child. By connecting to her and establishing a relationship with her, they have brought out her strengths in different ways. It is amazing to watch your child thrive and gain her self-confidence back.
Last year, one of my children left the school building on a Friday afternoon looking more miserable than usual. She was beginning her finals and was feeling overwhelmed. The Principal was standing outside of the school, noticed she looked upset, and pulled her aside to speak with her. He offered her real comfort by simply acknowledging that these are in fact a hard two weeks but that she will make it through them day by day. He believes in her and she knows it. The first thing she said when she came home was how important that conversation was for her. She felt validated and understood. She felt safe. The principal and other key administrators, teachers, and even the office staff have taken the time over the years to form connections and relationships with many children in the school and it is deeply appreciated. The kids know that whatever happens they can go to school and someone they have connected to will listen to them with kindness and compassion and, most importantly, without judgement.
As educators, I believe as we go into the summer, it is a good time to reevaluate and reflect. Why are we in education? Of course, most educators will have some very noble responses which would include ideas like teaching curriculum, integrating new curriculum, steam, watching their students grow both academically and emotionally, helping children become independent and grow up to be good people.
I would like to add that another essential part of a great educator is someone who takes the time to listen to students and form real connections and relationships with each and every one of them. Someone who believes that every child has something special to offer. If anyone wants to visualize what that looks like, come to the Ramaz Lower School and observe Andrew Leibowitz. He is that educator who has impacted so many children.
However, sometimes we fall into traps and underestimate the power of words when speaking with children. One of my favorite mentors, Ruthie Kalton, taught me very early on in my career that educators can have a life-changing impact on children. She taught me that every child has a strength and every child should be spoken to with respect. If you believe in children and you root for their success, children are more likely to succeed. This requires time and patience to develop. I would argue that in this media and technology-driven world, teaching children to build real relationships is essential for children's social-emotional growth.
While this may seem obvious, I assure you it is not. If educators understood and believed in the power of words, they would understand that kids internalize every negative interaction. In the psychology world the experts say you need about 7 positive interactions to counter one negative interaction. While kind words can be expressed freely and pleasantly, harsh words stick and cannot be taken back. My esteemed colleague, Nani Mintz, always demonstrates that you can easily squeeze toothpaste out of the bottle but you can never put the toothpaste back in. The same rules apply to words. You cannot take back those hurtful words. So for the teacher that cruelly told my child that she was disappointed in her because she did not do well on her final exam and for the teacher that publically embarrassed her in front of her class last month- I have to ask the teacher what was she trying to accomplish? These words will stick with her as she thinks back to her elementary school experience. You can see where I'm going, right? Had a connection been made and the teacher wanted to express concern, that would have been fine and actually quite meaningful. (Just so you know- we all actually laughed when she told us this story). My brilliant son told her: “who cares? Eighth grade does not matter anyways!”, and in a sense he is right. It really doesn’t matter that she didn’t do so well on the exam, except that words can hurt. The teacher lost the opportunity to focus on process not product, to speak to a child kindly, and lastly to form a meaningful relationship.
Summer gives educators a time to clear our brains and reflect back on the school year. I encourage us to look beyond curriculum, test grades and college acceptances. Let's have conversations and really think -what worked with our students? What would we have done different? Did we make a difference for a child this year? Did we see a strength in each and every child? Did we connect and form meaningful relationships with our students this year? And most important what can we do better next year to form meaningful connections with our students?
Why am I obsessing about this? Because anyone who reads my posts knows that children have it harder than we ever did. I see it even more now with having two high school juniors and college applicants. ACT's, AP's and the academic rigor is harder than ever. Social media, texting, Whats App, peer pressure, multi-tasking, and distracted parents are making it harder for adults and children to form real meaningful connections and relationships with each other. Children are learning that popularity and self-esteem is measured by how many likes on Instagram they get. These rating scale gets internalized and often lead to lower self-esteem (there actually is research on this). The absolute stupidity of the snap chat story is mind boggling. I mean honestly, who really cares that you went to Starbucks exclusively with your two Starbuck BFF's and got a unicorn Frappuccino (although I do think the Starbucks campaign was brilliant). As educators, we cannot control what happens outside our school day. Whether we like it or not, this is the world we are living in and it is time to stop and reflect on how we as educators can impact our students. We are so quick to judge bad parenting but often we do not take into account that we have students for 8 hours a day for almost 10 months and we can make our own positive difference in our students lives.
As always, I end my writings with the same theme. (For my cynics, feel free to roll your eyes here!). All children (and adults) want to feel a connection and form meaningful relationships. They want to feel heard, cared for and emotionally safe. As educators, we can make a difference. We can form connections, speak kindly to students and help children feel good about themselves. Let's spend our summer reflecting on this as we move on to the 2017-2018 school year.
This blog is dedicated to my first real mentor, fellow educator, esteemed colleague and friend, Ruthie Kalton. Ruthie is retiring from her position as the Early Childhood Special Education teacher at the Ramaz Lower School in June 2017. She has worked at Ramaz for over 21 years. I have worked with Ruthie for over 17 years in different capacities. Aside from being empathetic, bright, skilled, insightful and funny, Ruthie is the most reflective teacher I have ever worked with. She is always craving to learn more and share best practices in education. I am looking forward to reading her latest book recommendation "The Spirited Child" (currently on my nightstand). Ruthie is one of my true role models in her educational career, her impactful relationships with her students and most importantly her integrity as a person. I will miss working with Ruthie but will try to continue and carry out her passion for educating the whole child and find the strength of each and every child.
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